painofit's Blog

i would love to know the feeling of a man giving me alot of attention.... oh how uplifting that would be for my self esteem ;)

im am so repulsed by the feeling of my body and my mind...and i hate myself for being like this... i feel like cutting my skin off to take the feelings away.... i havent felt like this in a long time....2 months ago my whole being gave up...i could not talk i could not coun i could not hardly move... it was like i had gone back to being a baby but in a adult body.  my brain was fizzled....WHY   doing way way too much trying too hard or really trying tio live with all the tough trying things i have to look after in my life.....my brains working, i can ,move  but im in self destruction . ive given up on everything positive i do to keep well....im not going to gym , not reading my self help books and im being bulimic everyday to deal with all my emotions ...ive given up on myself and i am a discusting person having such a violent disease......i know i will get out of this ...but this has been the worst ive ever been.....every good thing i do for my health and sanity ends up being for nothing :(   and i dont fell sorry for myself.. i hate being like this

ive just realized...ive dissociated myself from the few people who care about me because i cant deal with my own hell i go thru....i know that they dont understand  and i truely dont exspect them too.. but ive cut myself off from them all and decided to only socialize through EP  because i can go to groups where all the people are suffering the same life consequences as i am ....thw crazy thing is im conversing with people i dont even know and have never met !  so how does that work i say to myself  ?   Ive just off loaded my few dear friends that care about me and i know !   for people i dont know  but understand....   Wow this is unbeleivable....  but i feel i dont hv to face any questions and dont hv to explain my pain ?  :(

experience project.......... i need to thank you. this site has been a great comfort for me. just by being able to type all my feelings down it has given me a sense a support in which i do not get. i can express any  thing i like and feel with no reservation how great does that feel...... damm good.. thnk again